You're So Rude

I'm getting emails asking about martian sex. I consider such questions rude in the extreme. Humans are willing to broadcast every detail about their sex lives into the ether. On Mars, we don't kiss and tell, but I'll give you a very clinical overview.

First off, whether you're a spider, moose, or alligator on Mars, the female is going to try to eat the male's head after intercourse. This is completely natural.

In the case of spiders, the female succeeds about 80% of the time. The other 20% occurs when a male recovers sufficiently quickly to get away. This is really an arms race. The male evolves to be faster and slipperier. The female evolves to be faster and to have a stickier grip.

In the case of moose, the female's attempts to bite off her mate's head are frustrated by the fact that her teeth are made for grazing, She rarely does any damage. Sometimes she can bite off a bit of an ear, but it's rare, as her teeth aren't even as sharp as Mike Tyson's. Mercifully, male moose are extremely stupid, and mistake the homicidal aggression for post-coital nuzzling.

As the intelligent life on the planet, we alligators have solved the problem by binding the female's mouth before sex. The female, of course, employs all kinds of subterfuge to try to free her mouth after sex (her cool down period is about 10 minutes). She may pretend she can't breathe because she has a cold, or that she has something important and startling to say. I lost a friend once because his mate had a girlfriend watching through a window. This girlfriend called just a couple minutes after the act. My friend hated to answer the phone, so he freed his mate's mouth to answer the call and WHOMP his head was gone.

Because of this fact of life, alligators have developed pretty elaborate forms of bondage, the details of which I am not willing to divulge.

Now please, stop asking. It's obnoxious. Don't you have questions about important things like martian music or literature?