Such a bad year!

Lordy, I've had such a bad year this year. It's the worst year anyone has ever had, at least on Mars. You earth people are always bitching, but you're driving around in a god damned Lexus. And that pisses me off.

It's probably why I started blogging--my bad year. Bad, bad, bad. All damned year.

I'll tell you more about my bad year later, but let me tell you what finally set me off.

OK, when I was a little alligator, like ten years ago, our whole class had to get pen pals on Earth. This is a big deal because it teaches you patience. Rockets going back and forth take forever, and that's how we had to send mail before Martians got on the Internet.

We pulled names out of a hat. We have nice hats like you had in the 50s, not ugly-ass baseball caps worn backwards like some idiot. We're all waiting around the hat, eager.

Listen to this carefully, because you're not going to believe it. Everyone else gets some little kid in Ohio or Wisconsin, maybe. Some old lady in the Ukraine. A farmer in Brazil. You know who I drew out of that hat? Bernie Mac!

I was so elated. See that's how LUCKY I was when I was a little Martian. I was hot shit. Everyone was jealous, but they treated me well because they wanted to see the letters I got from Bernie.

His letters were so funny, and he was so nice to me. I worked hard on my letters to him, trying to make them worthwhile and witty.

And now he's dead. All my martian buddies are like, "So, how's your pen pal?" Fuck.

Oh Bernie, I need you so much! Oh god.