Walking in Style

I saved up for five months (I do carry-out at a grocery store) to buy a pair of Italian shoes from Amazon.com. These are $550 Forzieri handcrafted dress shoes.

Let me tell you. This is class. You idiots on earth pay almost this much for horrid sneakers that make your feet look like clownish balloons and you wear them when you're not even playing sports! Meanwhile, your star athletes are wearing . . . yep, expensive Italian leather shoes.

I can't wait until that ugly, silly sneaker fad dies the horrible death it deserves. News for you: You are not Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. (Michael, if you are reading this, we should play golf again sometime. And Tiger, I'd love to play basketball with you.)

So anyhow, I order these shoes from Amazon and somewhere along the way some ass (no doubt in the martian mail system) switches them out for a pair of used bowling shoes.

If someone tries to sell these handcrafted Italian leather shoes to you cheap, do not buy them! They are hot. Stolen goods. If I see you wearing them I'll bite your head off.

Now what'll probably happen is Amazon will stop shipping to Mars. Mail theft is rampant here. I'm about half way through Agatha Christie's mysteries and I despair that I may never be able to acquire the remainder of her work. But I don't know why Amazon would keep trying--they just can't guarantee that anything will make its way through our corrupt system. God, I hate Mars.